Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Further Adventures of Chunk and Sloth

Few people outside of the entertainment industry know that Chunk, the chubby, foul-mouthed kid from The Goonies, is now all grown up and a slim, successful entertainment lawyer in Hollywood.

But he never forgot the promise he made, after they thwarted the gangsters who tried to rob One Eyed Willie’s pirate ship. A promise to a sweet-faced, well-meaning, horribly disfigured freak named Sloth: “Sloth. You’re gonna live with me now. I’m gonna take care of ya. Because I love ya.”

Int. Law Office on Sunset Blvd - Day

Subtitle: “Los Angeles, 2005”

CHUNK: Sloth! There you are. Where’s my goddamn macchiato?

SLOTH: Pretty.

CHUNK: What’s with the balloon? Where’s my goddamn macchiato? Did you spend my five bucks on a balloon?

RECEPTIONIST: (on speakerphone) Chunk, Gore Verbinski is on one.

CHUNK: I’ve gotta fucking take this now Sloth, go sit down. Yeah, it’s a nice balloon. I like it.

SLOTH: Yellow!

CHUNK: Just go sit down, I gotta take this call. Nice balloon. Put it over there. Thank you. (into phone) Goreby? Goreby! What’s shaking? How’s everything on ‘Pirates’? Is Johnny behaving himself? Yeah… The fax? My assistant sent it yesterday. Hang on. (covers phone) Sloth. Did you send that fax?

SLOTH: Yummy.

CHUNK: Yummy? What does that mean? Did you send the fax?

SLOTH: (beating chest and bellowing) RRRRRRRAAAAAGGGRRRHH!

CHUNK: Did you eat it? Did you eat my fax? (into phone) Gore? I’m gonna have to… I gotta resend that, I’ll take care of it right now. I’ll talk to you later.

SLOTH: Hungry.

CHUNK: Yeah, why don’t you eat some more fucking fax paper.

SLOTH: (starting to cry) Chunk mad.

CHUNK: Chunk not mad. Chunk just gotta do all the work around here, that’s all.

SLOTH: LUUUUUUUNCH!

CHUNK: Maybe Mouth will take you to lunch. It’s not like he’s busy.

SLOTH: Mouth!… Mooouth!

CHUNK: It’s okay. I told him you don’t want to go back to Crazy Girls.

SLOTH: (distressed) MOUUUUUUUUUTH!

CHUNK: You don't have to go there, you can go get a sandwich. A sandwich. Just remember, you don’t play Texas Hold ‘Em. Okay? That’s what you say next time. No cards. Fucking sick turd robbing a crippled retard like that. Tell him you don’t want to play!

SLOTH: No play Mouth…

The receptionist enters with a take-out bag. Chunk takes out a chili dog and a milkshake.

SLOTH: LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

CHUNK: This isn’t for you, Sloth. You don’t like chili dogs. They make you gassy, remember? Remember last time, with Renee Zellweger?

SLOTH: Hungry.

CHUNK: All right, look, let me send this fax and finish my food and I’ll take you to In n’ Out, you can get a hamburger. Okay?

SLOTH: Sloth hungry now.

CHUNK: Just a goddamned second. I got my hands full. I’m printing out a fax right now, I need you to send it to Gore’s office, okay? Take it.

SLOTH: Fax number.

CHUNK: Number’s at the top. Just type it into the keypad. Hit a four first.

SLOTH: Area code!

CHUNK: Right, but not a one. Don’t type in a one.

Sloth eats the fax.

CHUNK: GODDAMN IT, SLOTH!

SLOTH: Chunk mad.

CHUNK: Will you stop eating my faxes? I won’t be mad if you stop eating my faxes.

SLOTH: Candy bar.

CHUNK: Yeah, remember the candy bar? That’s how we met. Good times.

SLOTH: Sloth bad personal assistant.

CHUNK: No, you’re not. You’re not a bad personal assistant. Hey, when that bouncer at the Palms in Vegas gave me shit, who made him piss his pants? Huh?

SLOTH: Sloth fight crime.

CHUNK: No, Sloth, not that again.

SLOTH: Sloth Superman. SU-PER-MAN!

CHUNK: You can’t be Superman, Sloth. You can’t fly. Remember?

SLOTH: Sloth save people. Sloth wanna be hero.

CHUNK: You are a hero! Who lifted Halle Berry up over that crowd of reporters at the Beverly Hills Hotel so she could get to her therapy?

SLOTH: Sloth.

CHUNK: That’s right. And who broke Ben Stiller’s arm?

SLOTH: Sloth hero.

CHUNK: You can’t leave, Sloth. I need ya.

SLOTH: Chunk need me?

CHUNK: Yeah. Ya big dumb retard.

They hug.

RECEPTIONIST: (over speakerphone) Chunk, did you move your Volvo? Greg said they turned the sprinklers on.

CHUNK: What?

He rushes to look out the window, SMASHING his chili dog and milkshake against the glass and spraying himself with his lunch.

CHUNK: Aw, fuck!

3 Knee-jerk Reactions:

Blogger Stephanie Jane Markham said...

For the love of Jesus, give the poor guy a Baby Ruth!

10:03 AM  
Blogger Urban Bella said...

That was awesome. Frank, you scare me.

12:20 PM  
Blogger JudgeG said...

FINALLY! Thank you Frank, I had been pondering all these years about Sloth. Now I can sleep in peace...

JG

4:07 AM  

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