Friday, October 07, 2005

House, Age 10

House sits on the edge of the playground with his three friends.

Not the most popular kid in school, House’s friends are a motley assortment of outsiders: Rod, the only black kid in class, Graham, an exchange student from Australia, and Kiki, the brainiac girl who has a crush on House.

A teacher announces that the class is going to play 'Sink the Bismarck' during recess. House scowls.

HOUSE: I hate ‘Sink the Bismarck’.

The others mutter agreement. Ronnie Lutch, the quiet class reject, plays alone by the swingset.

HOUSE: Hey Lutch! Get over here.

Ronnie reluctantly approaches.

HOUSE: You look sort of gross. Are you feeling ill?

LUTCH: I look gross?

HOUSE: You better lie down. Are you feeling pallid?

KIKI: He looks ashen.

GRAHAM: Better listen to him.

Frightened, Ronnie lies down on the blacktop.

HOUSE: Tell me Ronnie, any fever, night sweats, gout, difficulty breathing or rigor mortis?

LUTCH: I don't think so...

KIKI: It looks like a severe case of cooties.

HOUSE: Well, you should know, you kissed him on the tongue.

KIKI: Gross! I didn’t kiss him on the tongue! Shut up, House!

ROD: Definite signs of cooties and stupid germs.

HOUSE: So who were you tongue-kissing, Lutch?

LUTCH: I wasn’t!

GRAHAM: If he has cooties, shouldn’t he be throwing up mice?

HOUSE: Have you been throwing up rodents, Lutch?


HOUSE: That's strange. It can't be normal garden-style cooties. It has to be something else.

KIKI: Look at his face. He’s turning green!

HOUSE: He’s dying right here on the blacktop.

ROD: His nose has boogers.

HOUSE: Allergies, hay fever. Half the class has it.

GRAHAM: His freckles form a star.

HOUSE: Oh, are we playing voodoo? Who taught you to be a doctor, your pet kangaroo?

ROD: (to Graham) You’re burnin’…

HOUSE: C’mon, think, people! If we don’t find a cure by the end of recess he’s a goner. What has all the symptoms of cooties and retard germs but doesn’t make you throw up mice, it only makes you smell?

LUTCH: I want to play Sink the Bismarck.

HOUSE: Fine, go ahead. Stand up, see if your eyeballs fall out of your butt.

Ronnie remains on the ground.

HOUSE: That’s what I thought. We don’t have much time. Rod, check his heartbeat.

Rod reaches for Ronnie’s wrist.

GRAHAM: Wait! You wanna catch cooties too?

ROD: I’m sprayed.

Rod checks his pulse.

HOUSE: Two minutes of recess left.

ROD: One eighty over 1,000.

HOUSE: 1,000? It’s supposed to be a million!

KIKI: We're losing him.

LUTCH: What’s gonna happen to me?

HOUSE: Shut up.

KIKI: What about his fingers? They’re dirty.

GRAHAM: He’s been playing in the dirt!

HOUSE: Graham - Australian for dumbass.

KIKI: I got it! Maybe a worm crawled under his fingernail and got into his brain.


The others are silent as House paces, considering the possibility.

HOUSE: That would explain why he smells. And the green face?

ROD: Witches have green faces.

GRAHAM: He could have tongue-kissed a witch.

HOUSE: You're right. That's possible.

LUTCH: I didn't!

HOUSE: Lutch, we can't save you if you're not completely honest with us. When did you tongue-kiss a witch? All the medical signs are there.

LUTCH: But...

GRAHAM: (snickering) Maybe his mom kissed him before school.

HOUSE: Moms can’t give you cooties, you idiot.

GRAHAM: But it’s Ronnie Lutch’s mom.

HOUSE: Nope. Their cootie genes match. Unless...

House stares up at the sky, through the leaves of a maple tree.

HOUSE: When the worm crawled into his finger, it mutated the cootie strain in his bloodstream. He's carrying two forms of cooties. The hole in his finger hurt his hand so he kissed it. He gave cooties to himself.

ROD: Really?

HOUSE: That’s it. That’s the answer.

KIKI: You’re so smart.

GRAHAM: What’s the cure?

HOUSE: Indian burns.

Rod and Graham immediately pounce on Ronnie, punching him in the gut and giving him Indian burns on both arms.

LUTCH: OW! Cut it out! Stop it! Ow! I’m telling!

HOUSE: C’mon boys, he’s almost cured…

House crosses his arms and nods approvingly. Kiki beams proudly at House. The recess bell rings.

2 Knee-jerk Reactions:

Anonymous heather said...

best...flashback episode.....ever.

6:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so cracking up. You slay me.


2:57 PM  

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