Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Dinosaurs Had Feathers

This is the most important discovery of our time. It completely rewrites my childhood. All those murals in all those cafeterias in all those natural history museums... It boggles.

Of course, if you believe that people lived with dinosaurs, 5,000 years ago, and the dinosaurs were killed off by angels, during Noah's flood, then adding feathers means nothing to you because you'd pretty much believe just about anything anyway. It seems the country has shifted towards the inane, or we're getting really retro, because right now there's a court case in Dover, PA, where intelligent human beings have to listen carefully and take these loons seriously, in order to decide if they get to teach their loonery to schoolchildren.

Evidence of evolution is all around us. Rattlesnakes are evolving without their rattles, because we hear them and kill them to protect ourselves. You gotta love that irony. Just as elephants are evolving without their tusks, and bacteria is evolving thanks to anti-bacterial soap. Even humans are being born today with the ability to insert hyperlinks into speech ("I told my mom we were playing scrabble...")

While I don't believe in intelligent design, I do think there is some argument for the theory of stupid design - basically, the notion that the world was designed by a Creator who is a Complete Imbecile.

Some evidence to consider:

1. Knees - the weakest part of human body. And we walk on them. If you do any amount of physical exertion in your youth, you're bound to end up with bad knees by the time you hit thirty. Nice work, Buddy.

2. Septums - why are they always deviated? What's up with the septum? I had surgery on my septum when I was twenty. They packed about three pounds of cotton in my nose. Not fun.

3. Cockroaches - the only creatures who could survive a nuclear holocaust. And they're useless. Good thing the Cold War wasn't between Americans and cockroaches.

4. We have to sleep approximately one third of our life - This one really pisses me off. Talk about a waste of time. We can't even save it up and hibernate for a week of the month or something, we have to space it out in 8-hour intervals. I think it's because we pray before bedtime. He needs that daily ego fluff.

5. Man has no natural predator - There'’s a big flaw in the grand scheme of things. Look at how human beings have evolved as a result of this little tidbit. Step outside your house and go next door and peek in the window at your grumpy middle-aged pot-bellied neighbor whose always arguing with his wife, sitting there drinking a tall boy and watching "Fear Factor". Now, compare him to a gazelle.

6. 70% of the planet is water, but we can'’t drink it.

7. We can'’t fly - well, why not? We're humans, we're made in God's image, right? I mean, HE can fly, right? If I could fly, I'd totally be rich by now. And president of something.

8. Wisdom teeth - Do not make you wise. They should be called "Annoyingly extraneous that you and everyone you know will have surgery to remove teeth." They should be called, "Your first experience with vicodin teeth."

9. After centuries of evolution, dogs still see their own tail and think it's another dog - I mean, isn't that what instinct is for? To clue you in to little habits like that, so you don't run around in circles chasing your butt for hours?

Consider this evidence and if you feel like it, make up some placards and picket your local school. Or get on the school board so you can ban some books. Everybody's doing it. That's the Freedom our boys are dying to protect.

2 Knee-jerk Reactions:

Blogger Sugarfoot Xerxes said...

dear francis- i very much liked (and giggled at) your well thought out argument for "stupid design." i'm sure you were excited about the living giant squid caught on video a week or 2 back -although very sad it had to sacrifice an arm for science...i look forward to more stuff... thx- SfootX

10:17 PM  
Blogger Stephanie Jane Markham said...

i totally agree, roaches are such evil bugs. however, sleeping rules. all snuggly and warm... zzzzzzzzzzzz

11:40 PM  

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