francis stokes dot com

Crickets

2008-12-15T14:51:00.000-08:00

Our new project, a submission to the YouTube Project:Direct Contest 2009. Enjoy!

"The Culture War"

2008-11-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

My latest video, a political satire echoing a famous documentarian's work...

ERF - Episode 2

2008-08-04T11:23:00.002-07:00

ERF - Episode 1

2008-08-04T11:23:00.001-07:00

"ERF" - New Web Series Trailer

2007-12-31T16:03:00.001-08:00

First Kiss

2007-11-25T09:21:00.000-08:00

New project - sorry about the long delay, was off on my honeymoon. Anyway, this is a short we did in Port Glasgow, Scotland, about an adolescent girl struggling with the sudden changes she's going through...

Full Feature Film 'Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman'

2007-08-02T23:45:00.000-07:00

Hey guys - thanks to a really amazing sponsor, now you can support my projects and help me make back the budget for my feature film. Just go to www.spout.com/francisstokes and sign up - it's a free website about movies, and they'll give me a $1 for everyone who joins.

Also, if you're interested in DVDs of 'Harold Buttleman', you can buy them here.

Meanwhile, here is the full feature film. Thanks for watching!

'Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman' Clip #3

2007-07-23T04:00:00.001-07:00

'Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman' Clip #2

2007-07-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

'God, Inc' Sold To Sci-Fi Channel

2007-07-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

'Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman' - Clip #1

2007-07-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

Video Update #2

2007-07-16T11:02:00.001-07:00

Making YouTube Videos Look Less Completely Crappy, Part Deux

2007-06-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

So, I actually put a lot more work into the final result you see below, and I figured I’d post the other tips I learned for you videographers out there. After a day of trial-and-error with the uploading tips from YouTube, I still had unsatisfactory results. When you’re dealing with comedy, facial expressions are very important – and my cast looked like their faces were made of Lego’s. But the only real way to guarantee highest quality images is by filming your actors in black and white against a white background, and advising them not to move. (Seriously, this is why Apple films their commercials against a white background.)

So I called a highly knowledgeable friend of mine, Damien (creator of Zaproot and editor of the Ask A Ninja videos) and he gave me a few key pointers. First of all, I started by following the tutorial video from YouTube – like I said, you can do all of this stuff in Final Cut Pro by selecting “Export” to “Quick Time Movie.”

These are the modifications that Damien added:

1. Don’t do the “faster encode – single pass” option. The tutorial is just recommending this because it will take a long time to output your video otherwise. As Damien put it, “he’s saying that for the proletariat.” But doing the double pass will add extra details where there’s a high concentration of information, like someone’s face. You are not proletariat. You are aristocracy.

2. For screen size, select the “Custom” option and type in 480 x 360. This is the exact size of the YouTube player.

3. Damien’s magic formula: 20 megs/min at 2500 kilobits per second. The more kbs/sec you use, the better quality. Since my video is only a little over a minute, when I followed the tutorial and outputted at 2000 kbs/sec I got a 20 meg file. So I did several more outputs, gradually increasing the number – I did 8000 kbs/sec and still wasn’t satisfied with the look, even though the video was now 75 megs. In the end I outputted it at 11,000 kbs/sec.

4. Change 'stereo' to 'mono' – I heard YouTube’s sound comes out mono, and it will make the video load faster.

And the final result was… OKAY. Definitely improved, though still not ideal in my book, and still not as good as some videos I’ve seen on YouTube – I don’t know if there’s a luck factor or if the computer you’re using matters, but this is all the knowledge I have on the subject. If anyone knows any other tips I’d love to hear them.

"Off The Deep End"

2007-06-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

This is the end result of a few hours of brainstorming with a faulty submersible pump hose: basically, the credits for a fake 80's sitcom. Enjoy.

Pixels The Size Of Rice Krispies

2007-06-13T11:42:00.000-07:00

I’m working on a new video short, just a one-off thing I did a few weeks ago after some misadventures trying to clean my backyard pool, which I should be uploading some time this afternoon or tomorrow. Even though it's just a short comic thing, I'm a bit nervous - it's the first non-"God, Inc" video that I'll be posting on my YouTube page. However, it's certainly not the last - on the horizon are an old video I did with Stephen Falk called "looking for mr. miyagi", more of my feature film Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman, and the new web series, "ERF!" (not "Earth", as many have - understandably - assumed...). I've already shot a trailer for "ERF!" but I'm waiting to upload it until I'm closer to posting Episode 1...

On a (possibly boring) technical note, recently it’s seemed like each new video I upload to YouTube has looked slightly worse than the last. I’m shooting on a Canon XL2, and on YouTube my final product looks like it was shot with one of those Fisher Price pixelvision cameras. I was disappointed in how the last two episodes of “God, Inc” looked, but I figured it was because they were on the longish side. Then my 2-minute “update” video looked like crap. So I emailed YouTube for advice, and they turned me on to this link. This guy (whose voice sounds kind of like Ira Glass) has put a lot of work into figuring out how to optimize YouTube image quality, and he even has a tutorial video. In my case, I’m working with Final Cut Pro 3 instead of iMovie, but I found most of the same windows in the export box and was able to duplicate his settings (the only difference was that I couldn’t find AAC audio, so I used M-Peg audio instead). Anyway, for those of you who have been having the same kind of problems, check it out. Also, Nalts of the “Will Video For Food” blog posts some general remarks on compressing videos for YouTube here.

And did all these tips work for me? Don’t know yet. Waiting for my test video to finish uploading…

YouTube Video Update

2007-05-30T13:49:00.000-07:00

Hey guys - so the YouTube technical difficulties have finally been cleared. Here's the video update I've been waiting to post:

The One Where Frank Gives An Update On Pitching

2007-05-25T11:39:00.000-07:00

Almost done pitching to TV networks. It's basically me, Stee Falk, who plays Austin, and Tim Gibbons, an executive producer from "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Every network has a waiting area with big wall-sized posters of their shows staring down at you. Stee suggested we pitch Fox a half-hour show called "12" ("It all takes place over one half of a day...") I suggested we pitch BBC a British version of the American version of the British version of "The Office."

I filmed my first "vlog" for YouTube, talking about what's happening with "God, Inc". I haven't posted anything on YT since the last episode months ago, and I'm hoping I haven't completely lost all my audience. But I've been waiting to post it because recently YouTube introduced their revenue share program, and things seem to be slow in getting set up. As soon as my account is working properly, I'll post the update. And there are several more videos on the horizon - good stuff. Stay tuned...

KV, Grindhouse

2007-04-22T13:08:00.000-07:00

Sad about Vonnegut. His books were a huge influence on me, and I liked having this ornery old codger around saying provocatively dour things about our government and society. It’s what I imagine it would have been like in the turn of the century with Mark Twain criticizing America’s occupation of the Philippines. However, I do hope K.V. wasn’t as depressed as he claimed to be.

Saw Grindhouse last night. Commercially speaking, Grindhouse is considered a flop, which means there’s been a constant stream of Hollywood navel gazing and backlash and 20/20 hindsight. Harvey Weinstein called it a “blow” to his perceived savvy. It’s an irritating fact of life that this industry still isn’t willing to admit they simply can’t predict this stuff, so we get inundated with this chatter. The business is a gamble. There was every reason to believe Grindhouse would be successful – both directors have brought in hundreds of millions of dollars to their studios over the years. The Hollywood Reporter review predicted “box office gold” (no, seriously – that’s a quote. Kind of makes you picture a guy in Armani shades and a silk robe sitting by a pool.) In my opinion, the most savvy thing about Harvey Weinstein has been his willingness to take risks on projects like this in the past (even if this risk involved two incredibly profitable directors.)

That said, they made one colossal error worth noting: a grindhouse double feature should never have cost over $50 million dollars. I bet if you put all the 70’s exploitation flick budgets together, they wouldn’t be that high. If it was appropriately budgeted, its $11 million opening weekend would have made it far and away the most successful grindhouse film ever.

I enjoyed the movies a lot. With a smattering of fake trailers in between, it’s certainly a full evening for $10, and Edgar Shaun Of The Dead Wright’s haunted house spot made me laugh louder than I have at the movies in a while. But I’m not sure the directors achieved the aesthetic completely either – the most authentic moment was probably Eli Roth’s trailer for the holiday-themed slasher Thanksgiving. I say that because it made me feel like most 70’s exploitation movies do – amused and entertained but also a little depressed. The grainy, nearly-documentary footage, cardboard non-actors and glacial pacing made them – let’s face it – pretty dreary. Most of them have only a few brief moments of thrill with sixty or seventy minutes of padding, and in that respect, Quentin’s film had a pretty accurate structure.

In terms of high camp, there wasn’t much difference between Planet Terror and, say, the recent remake of Dawn of the Dead. I thought it was great, even though it felt very Hollywood A-movie to me (how much CGI money was spent rendering the pleasantly bipedal Rose McGowan peg-legged?) Death Proof, with all its yammering about 70’s low budget car chase flicks like Vanishing Point, felt very much like a Quentin Tarantino film, circa 2007.

Personally, I’ve been drifting away from the Tarantino boat ever since Jackie Brown. Quentin is revered for his dialogue, but I think great dialogue comes (mostly) from being specific to the character, where his characters all speak in one voice, like a long running monologue. Not only is he unwilling to trim dialogue, he won’t even let it overlap, so everyone kind of talks like they’re underwater. I liked the odd simplicity of Death Proof, and Kurt Russell’s performance, but I feel like in recent years Q.T. has completely abandoned any notion of good character. Maybe all the Variety box office blathering will lead Quentin to challenge himself a little more next time out. When the Coens were faced with their first high profile “failure,” The Hudsucker Proxy, they came back with the best film of the 90’s: Fargo.

Nice Chi-Town Article

2007-03-30T19:51:00.000-07:00

I was interviewed by Cathleen Falsani, who writes a column in the Religion section of the Chicago Sun Times, and the article is in today's paper. So for all you old friends and former classmates and sworn enemies and ex-girlfriends and people who sat next to me in homeroom and people who still drink at the Emerald Isle every weekend, here's your chance to find out that I'm still alive. Of course, if you read this blog, I guess you're probably aware of that. It's strange how this press coverage has felt different to me because it's the home town paper. The paper of Roger Ebert. I asked Cathleen how he's doing and she said that he's "fighting like a champ" from what she hears.

Also, we started pitching to networks this week. My friend Dom had this advice for pitching:

1. In our Showtime pitch, whenever we say the word "Showtime," accompany it with jazz hands.

2. When I say my own name, do stabbing motion at the ground and rub my hands together like I'm "stoking a fire."

3. If we're on a leather couch, announce how relaxed I feel and then urinate in my pants.

I'll let you know if Dom's advice helps.

Revisiting An Altman Classic

2007-03-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

In light of Robert Altman’s passing a couple months ago, I was recently thinking about the Altman flick I’ve seen most, by twenty or thirty times: Popeye. It’s not exactly as renowned as other Altman classics like Nashville or M*A*S*H, or even, say, O.C. And Stiggs, but it was a pivotal part of my childhood.

I was obsessed with Popeye as a kid. I don’t think I ate more spinach, but I did wear a sailor’s hat and chew on a pipe and talk unintelligibly and draw an anchor on my arm with a ballpoint pen. When the movie came out in 1980, I was eight years old, and at the peak of my sailor man fandom.

There’s something naggingly unsatisfying about seeing a live action film attempt the visceral abandon of animation, kind of like watching a puppet show of Titanic, or having an afternoon of cartoons interrupted by that show where the guy did line drawings and told stories. At its worst, like with Jim Carrey mugging under pounds of makeup as the Grinch, it’s deeply and soulfully lame.

But Robin Williams, though saddled with weird fake forearms that looked like he had a strange disease, was spot on. He’s still the only person in Hollywood I can picture in the role (although I’d enjoy seeing Matt Damon take a crack at it.) Also, to the best of my recollection, for better or worse, Popeye launched a genre. It was the first time I remember seeing cartoon gags rendered in live action form, like when Bluto’s outfit turns completely yellow to reflect his emotion on encountering Popeye post-spinach-ingestion. In the 90’s, when Hollywood became convinced that movies are no good without source material – that no movie was as good as Something: The Movie – there was a woeful parade of live action cartoons trotted out: Josie And The Pussycats, The Flintstones, How The Grinch Stole Christmas, The Cat In The Hat, Inspector Gadget, etc. None of them compare – partly because they’re unwatchable, and partly because Popeye was pretty decent.

I have no idea how it holds up today – I’m still seeing it through my eight-year-old eyes – but if your biggest career failure is a movie that launched a genre, and thirty years later is still the best example of that genre, then it definitely says something about your directing skill. Personally, I’d rather rewatch Popeye than Gosford Park any day.

Nerdvana

2007-03-14T20:08:00.001-07:00

My web radio debut on "Nerdvana" was a lot of fun - you can listen to it here. I also had an interview in an article in the Hartford Courant, so I've got a lot of visitors from Connecticut today. Welcome! You can view the whole "God, Inc" series by clicking the icon to the right. Your right. That way. The direction I'm pointing.

I'm working on my new web series, which is still in the development stage, but I did let the title slip on "Nerdvana" last week - it's called "ERF!" Meanwhile, "God, Inc" will continue in the future, either with new webisodes or, hopefully, as a TV series.

In my spare time, I'm fighting several unwanted house guests who took up residence in my garage slash carport (basically a carport with a door.) A possum, and some other form of rodent, left numerous signs of their presence, in particular a huge pile of feces and the remains of oranges from our tree. When I told my fiancé, who has mild OCD tendancies, that we had a nest of possum poo and orange rinds in the garage, she just sort of snapped and started laughing uncontrollably.

CORRECTION: A possum is not a rodent. It is a marsupial. I can't believe you guys didn't catch that. The possum had to log on to my wifi and comment himself. He was very offended. Which made me happy.

I’m Prepared For Glory!

2007-03-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

Saw 300 yesterday. If you’ve ever seen that TV ad for the Marines where the guy is fighting that big CGI monster with a flaming sword, it’s basically like the feature length version of that ad. It’s all about the glory of being a soldier, and of dying a soldier.

Before I saw 300, my opinion of growing tensions with Iran was that it’s a cause for concern; that our military is being stretched thin and it’s a delicate situation that calls for diplomacy. But now I want enlist to be on the front line, to fight them with a sword and shield wearing nothing but a Speedo. That’s because, even though the movie takes place a long time ago, back when wives said “Come back with your shield, or on it,” to their husbands, and rhinos and elephants were apparently ten times their current size, the film is actually a subtle allegory to our current situation. The Americans are represented in the story by the Spartans, a tough-as-nails, balls-out people fighting for freedom from tyranny. Meanwhile, the Iranians are “Persians.” But the parallels are clear if you look hard. It’s a simple David and Goliath story: the small colony of Spartans against a world superpower going around invading other countries, led by a leader who believes he has divine powers. (Now I forget who the Americans are. Oh, yeah, the Spartans.)

300 does well to dispense with the character development and story arcs that bog down other wartime flicks, like Rambo: First Blood Part II. The king has a Scottish accent, because that’s the best kind of accent to have when you walk back and forth shouting at the front line of an army in a Hollywood movie. By the way, when the king shouts “Prepare for glory!” in the movie, he’s actually referring to the Spartan belief that the only true, great way to die is during battle. It’s a good thing he puts it that way, because “Prepare To Die In Battle!” wouldn’t be a very good tagline for a movie.

Web Radio Interview

2007-03-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be doing a live interview this afternoon, on a web radio show for the geek crowd. It's called "Nerdvana." One of the hosts is Ryan McDonald, who plays the I.T. Guy in Episode 4. I'll be sure to ask him why there's no cartridge in his Gameboy.

It's my first live interview, and I'm a little nervous. Ryan suggested that I could log on while doing the interview and read the comments that are being posted on the forum. I think that would make my head explode. But if you want to check it out, the show is today at 4 PM, and I think the interview will be archived as well.

two bunnies, chapter two

2007-03-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

"God, Inc" Merchandise

2007-02-22T13:19:00.000-08:00

The shirts and assorted household objects that proudly display your allegience to the ineffectual bureaucratic institution in the sky have been selling well - we even sold one Miracles Department thong!

I still haven't received any of the merchandise myself, so if you bought any of our stuff, please email me and let me know what you think. Especially if you had a problem with a particular product - I only know how it looks on the website, and I can't afford to order every item in the store. Also let me know if there's something you wish we offered, but aren't. Anyway, I hope you're all very happy with the merchandise - they seem to be quality products.

RSS Feed!

2007-02-15T15:16:00.001-08:00

Finally. I've gotten several requests, and I apologize for the delay - it took all of ten minutes to set up, of course. One of those things like changing a light bulb or correcting the fact that you're getting two issues of the New Yorker each week (something else I've gotta take care of) that you procrastinate for so long that the accumulated time of thinking "Gotta do that... I'll just write myself a post-it..." adds up to far more exerted energy than the actual task did. Just click under "Subscribe" on the right sidebar.

Been working on a new slate of web projects that I'm about to start pitching to web content buyers, so I'll have some new series to report on here shortly. Meanwhile, I got interviewed for an Austrian paper this morning, so if someone feels like translating these episodes into German, let me know. The first two episodes have been translated into Spanish and I'm working on creating a subtitled version.

Sludgie

2007-02-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

Just posted a new entry in my recently-very-neglected environmental blog, Sludgie. If you haven't checked it out, check it out. The planet depends on you clicking on that link. If you don't, I can't be blamed when Antarctica melts and your beach house becomes an underwater hideaway. But if you do click over, then you can blame me, of course.

The other day I did a Yahoo search on my name ("ego-surfing") and now, as result of my recent notoriety, the top entry reads:

Filmmaker, writer, and environmental guru in the San Fernando Valley. Creator of God, Inc., a popular series on YouTube.

Which was actually meant to be a bit of ironic exaggeration, like Sludgie's tagline: "Saving the planet for the rest of you chumps." I mean, it's not like I'm living in the branches of a redwood tree threatened by logging. I don't have followers coming to my bucolic solar-powered commune to bask in the glory of my wisdom. I write a blog. It makes me think if I run into Ed Begley, Jr. he'll kick me in the shins. So, if you write a blog and there's a chance you could attain sudden web-recognition, I wouldn't recommend having the description be an example of your offbeat, self-deprecating sense of humor, like "Musings of a Complete Douchebag." Unless you want Yahoo to forever list you as "Blog writer and complete douchebag living in..."

While no angry gurus have emailed me demanding credentials, I did get one bit of environmental heckling from J. Neil Schulman, science fiction writer and apparent smartass, that was too good not to share. He wrote:

Mr. Stokes,

Recently a bunch of astronomers decided that Pluto is too small to be considered a planet. They're saying it's just a dwarf planet.

Let's be honest. There are really only four bodies orbiting the star we call our sun large enough to call a planet: Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Earth, and Pluto are all, by comparison, dwarf planets.

So why should I knock myself out to save the environment on something that isn't even big enough to qualify as a real planet, anyway? You have some need to save a planet? Go save Uranus.

I replied:

Haha! Interesting logic. But those are the four gas giants, which I find a bit difficult to walk on, or breathe. (Although Jupiter's moon Europa is looking pretty good these days...)

Dwarfish or not, I live on Earth, and I'd rather save my ass than Uranus.

a cartoon I drew while waiting for the video to upload

2007-02-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

God, Inc - Episode 6

2007-02-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

Keep The Car Running

2007-02-12T11:29:00.000-08:00

Somebody slipped me a bootleg (shh...) of the forthcoming album from The Arcade Fire, which is my current musical obsession. The stand-out track for me, like on "Funeral," is the first one - the hypnotic, mandolin-fueled "Keep The Car Running."

Episode 6 is uploading now. I've been thinking a lot this weekend about what's in store for Francis Stokes dot com. A year ago it was a place where I housed sketches, unfinished ideas and ruminations (basically, a normal blog,) before all my blogging energies went to writing about rising sea levels on Sludgie. Since then, I've treated this more like an online business card, a portal to whatever else I'm doing on the web.

Many of you have emailed or posted comments with questions that I haven't had time to consider, and I've posted nothing this past month other news about "God, Inc." Now that the last episode of "God Inc" is posting, what do I do next?

I'm planning to revive this site as a regular blog - something I've wanted to do for a long time. Several people on here, through emails and comments, have asked to know more about the actors and the history of the project. I'm thinking of making a second youtube account so I can post "Francis Stokes Dot Com" exclusives - the first being a behind-the-scenes compilation from "God, Inc." Feel free to post or email any questions you'd like answered. I'm also busy writing my new web series, and starting to pitch "God, Inc" as a TV show, so I'll keep you informed with news, updates and sneak peaks. And I will throw in some old video projects, other writing, artwork, journal entries and thoughts as well. No poems. Probably.

(And yes, to the many people who have asked, I'm planning to finally upgrade the website itself...)

Cafe Press

2007-02-08T01:52:00.000-08:00

After many requests, I finally put together a page on Cafe Press to sell "God, Inc" related merchandise. If you've never used Cafe Press, it's a pretty cool service for people who have a popular website, or a movie to promote, or maybe just feel like selling t-shirts with their face on them. It's very easy and painless to set up, and a lot of fun. To check out our site, click here:

I designed all the merchandise, although I want to give credit to a MySpace fan, Trey (or as he calls himself, Treyster™) for creating the page header for us.

Episode 6 should be up very shortly - thanks for your patience!

Video Playlist - "God, Inc" Etc.

2007-02-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

Click on the image on the side to view the next episode. There are six total.

WaPo, Fan Fic

2007-02-05T12:44:00.000-08:00

"God, Inc" made it into an article in the Washington Post today, declaring a new breed of videos on Youtube: "Rules For Youtube: Make Art, Not Bore." What's interesting is that the article doesn't go into much detail about our show, instead assuming you've already seen it:

I know what you're thinking: "God, Inc.," "Learn to Speak Body" and "Le Grand Content"? I love those films, too!

That's what you're thinking. Washington Post says so. It's hard to describe what a weird feeling it is to read that - here I'm being treated like an established entity, and I was totally obscure when I was opening Christmas presents. While I haven't seen those other two videos, I have seen "Yacht Rock," a strange dramatization of the lives of soft rock superstars, which is mentioned in the article, and it's hilarious.

Also, we got our first example of fan fiction - a viewer who goes by Super Dachshund emailed me his thoughts on what Episode 6. "Deus Ex Machina," has in store. So here, courtesy of Super Dachshund, is "God, Inc, Episode 6:"

Austin is heading towards Piper's office. He's thinking, Shit! This is it. Time to go to the boss's office and get canned just like Charlie. Fuckin' company! The Big Guy's got no plan at all. Doesn't know what he's doing. He enters her office and politely closes the door behind him.

Austin: I uh, got your message.

Piper sits with her arms folded and scowling (as usual). Very long pause. They stare at each other. Finally. . .

Piper: Austin, we have a problem.

Austin: Well, y'know, I've been thinking

Piper: There's a war going on as you might know. The Pakistanis have invaded Canada. Now, normally this wouldn't be a problem but as it turns out it's a huge one. When I find out who's responsible . . .It seems no one bothered to pass this "great idea" through Population Control or Approvals

Austin: Oh shit.

Piper: You're damn right 'Oh shit!' We've got a war going on that is in no way part of His plan. The Big Guy is not too happy about this. He's approved a time shift. We're going to roll back to a week ago and replay all events leading up to this war. We need to prevent the war before it happens but we're stuck. We can't make the past events flow seamlessly to side step the invasion. We need an event that disrupts the current time line leading to the invasion. And that is where you come in. (Long pause) Austin, we need a miracle. Have it on my desk before 11 tomorrow.

Austin usually with eyes at half staff shows signs of life. His eyes pop. A miracle! Not some sappy, huggy, squeezy Hallmark moment but a no shit, 1777 Revolutionary War Fergusson/Washington miracle! He leaves her office with the first hint of a smile we've seen in the series. He's a man on a mission.

Later.

Austin has papers strewn about his office. Crumpled papers overflow his trash can. He finally has his opportunity but can't seem to get the proper inspiration. He's stuck. And then. . .it hits him. He's working furiously tapping out proposals, running simulations, and testing scenarios on his computer. Campy inspirational music in the background.

Gavin: Hey Austin, you coming? It's 8 o'clock.

Austin: No, sorry. Can't. I got a deadline tomorrow.

Gavin: Okay man. See ya tomorrow.

Austin continues to pound away on his computer eyes burning two holes in the monitor.

"MVP Award" is on the white board in blue marker with Piper looking moderately happy and everyone sitting in a rough circle. Austin has never looked more confident and at ease.

Piper: This week's MVP award goes to. . .Product Development for their new tundra mosquito!

Everyone except Austin claps. Keaton goes up to accept the trophy.

Austin: What the—

Piper: Your new tundra mosquito believe it or not, infected a Pakistani diplomat in Canada with encephalitis right before he was to announce the war. He was hospitalized and called away. In the meantime through secret channels Canada and Pakistan worked out their differences. Your mosquito averted a war!

Sarah: It's a miracle!

Austin (under his breath): You're damn right it's a miracle. It's MY miracle. Fuckin' unbelievable!

Piper: Oh and of course this changes the outcome of last week's Publicity figures. Amid, you win again.

Amid grins like a smart ass and Esther slams her notebook down.

Esther: Damn it!

God, Inc - Episode 5

2007-01-29T03:30:00.000-08:00

God, Inc Org Chart

2007-01-29T03:15:00.000-08:00

Andy Hark, an eagle-eyed youtube movie critic and fan of the show, has taken the liberty of making a completely accurate org chart for the series. Only one character, Ophelia, the Wiccan Publicist, is missing, because she first appears in Episode 5. Enjoy!

Wall Street Journal Article

2007-01-24T14:06:00.000-08:00

I just noticed that when you click on the link, you have to sign up or something, but the article is so brief you can actually read half of it anyway, so instead of you going to the trouble, I'll repost the content:

Comedy: Video
New sitcoms rise on the Web
January 20, 2007; Page P2

A new sitcom with a rapidly growing following twists the premise of NBC's "The Office" by giving it an otherworldly setting: the corporate headquarters of heaven. The show, "God, Inc," can be seen only online.

It's part of an expanding Web genre: comedy series by budding writers or filmmakers that borrow some of the pacing and structure of television sitcoms, though often with more offbeat concepts. Episodes are usually a few minutes long.

In some cases, TV executives are taking notice of these shows. The Cartoon Network's Adult Swim has commissioned...

[bla bla bla... crap that's not about "God, Inc." Anyway, the article ends:]

HOW TO FIND IT: Go to YouTube.com and search for "Gemberling," "God, Inc" and "Illeanarama."

Working On Episode 5...

2007-01-24T13:52:00.000-08:00

So, I'm back in town and editing Episode 5 at the moment. Meanwhile, here's the latest in the response to "God, Inc:" We got featured in a Wall Street Journal article last Saturday. (No shit. The Wall Street Journal. You can imagine the reaction from my stock trader dad!) Also, Salon.com wants to feature us on their site and Comedy Central has asked to interview me for theirs. And I just did an interview for an AP article, due out tomorrow.

We also got featured on the Videos page on MySpace (for those of you MySpacers who haven't become our friend yet, check us out!) And someone is doing a Spanish translation, so there will be a subtitled version available shortly. And I promise, promise it will be up on iTunes by the end of the week.

Thanks again for watching! Back to editing...

A Big Thank You

2007-01-16T08:31:00.000-08:00

This has been an amazing week. I just wanted to post a big, heartfelt 'thank you' to everyone who's watching "God, Inc." Your comments and messages have been wonderful.

I'm going on vacation until Sunday, so I won't be able to respond to any messages or comments until next week. But for now: thank you, thank you.

"God, Inc" - Episode 4

2007-01-16T08:29:00.000-08:00

"God, Inc" - Episode 3

2007-01-10T02:12:00.000-08:00

"God, Inc" Update At 3:05 AM

2007-01-08T03:04:00.000-08:00

I'm tired. It's been a pretty overwhelming weekend, since they posted "God, Inc - Episode 1" on the main page of youtube. At latest count, it was viewed roughly 460,000 times in the past 48 hours. Which makes my head spin. A big welcome to all my new visitors and commentors. Especially to those visiting the Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman website - I'm working on a DVD release and will hopefully have info on that some time this week - and Sludgie. We also now have a MySpace page, so we're officially in YOUR extended network!

As for "God, Inc," Episode 3 will be up by Tuesday at the latest. Just putting the finishing touches on. Thanks a million. I'm truly thrilled by the response.

"God Inc" Featured On Vlog Soup, Buttleman on Knievel Comedy Site

2007-01-05T20:27:00.000-08:00

A big thanks to Steve Garfield of "Vlog Soup" and "Rocketboom" for plugging our show! We're featured alongside vlogs about life in India and being on the campaign trail with John Edwards, which made us feel extremely important. Check it out.

Thanks also to 'zine writer Steve Mandich for featuring Buttleman on his Knievel Comedy page, an intensely thorough inventory (alongside such historic highlights as Penis Knievel and the cliffhanger episode of "Happy Days" with Fonzie jumping the now-proverbial shark...)

And a huge, heartfelt thanks to everybody who has left such nice comments. It's actually been a bit overwhelming. Except for the guy who called us weiners. He thinks we're weiners. But to the rest of you: thank you.

Trailer "Harold Buttleman, Daredevil Stuntman"

2007-01-03T12:59:00.000-08:00

"God, Inc" Episode 2

2007-01-02T12:11:00.000-08:00

"God, Inc" Episode 1

2006-12-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

Welcome, Fine Visitor!

2006-12-02T00:38:00.000-08:00

Here you will find a compendium of all Francis Stokes related web material for your browsing pleasure. Please have a powdered doughnut. To your right (my left) are links to the original site for my feature film debut, Buttleman, a comedy starring John Hawkes about a guy who thinks he's the next Evel Knievel, and to Sludgie, my offbeat eco-rant. The doughnuts are free.

Above, you'll soon find other recent projects, including my new web series God, Inc. Below you'll find desperately old blog posts for the days when this was a dusty little attic workshop called "Parts Flying From The Machine." There's nothing wrong with the doughnuts, just eat one.

One Page Challenge

2006-10-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

Red Right Hand has called on screenwriters to post one page of their unproduced works on their blog and then link it here. So it seemed like a fitting reason to return to Parts Flying, which I've been sorely neglecting while I save the whales.

The missive states: no set-up or explanations, no apologies. And whether you're a screenwriter or not, it's worth visiting and reading what others have posted - interesting glimpses into the sea of unrecognized talent lurking out here in La-la.

So here it is: (you're gonna have to click on it a couple times to enlarge it to legibility)

Godzilla is back!

2006-07-11T17:10:00.001-07:00

...although Francis is not. I've been focusing all of my blogging energies on Sludgie lately, and that has left very little time for ramblings of any non-environmental nature. Once I hit a stride with it, I'm sure I'll have some less appropriate or logical thoughts to drop in here. But at least I resolved the issue with my header. Which is actually absurdly huge, and probably should be a little smaller anyway. So, until I get the rest of my life in order, please visit Sludgie!

Sludging Along

2006-03-14T23:26:00.000-08:00

So, the first couple weeks of posting Sludgie have been interesting. It's a real challenge to maintain near daily reports on a blog like that, finding humor in sometimes depressing or dry sort of stuff. But the good news is that so far, the reaction has been really positive. I emailed my favorite website, the prominent and influential enviro mag Grist, hoping to get a blurb or mention, something to help increase my readership. Instead, they asked me to write for them. I'll be writing on their blog, Gristmill. It's not only exciting, but also rather validating, since I applied for a writing job there just last summer and was turned down.

But it's also adds to my already overbearing load of under or non-paying writing work. I'm still getting the hang of this kind of writing. Yesterday, I was writing a blurb on an article in Grist on the history of elitism in environmentalism, part of their terrific ongoing series "Poverty and the Environment". I was trying to come up with humorous references to being super-rich and upper-crust, and I stared at a blank page for over a half hour. Well, not completely blank - I had four words:

Pass the Grey Poupon.

Yes, that's all television and my middle class background seem to have taught me about the life of the fabulously wealthy - that they stop their Bentleys at intersections to pass mustard to one another.

Where Has The Party Gone?

2006-03-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

All the hilarity, insight, pathos, laughter, tears, and deep, rich meaning that you associate with this fine blog seem to have vanished. What happened? Where have all the flowers gone?

They haven't died. No, friend - the flowers are alive. They've gone to www.sludgie.com. I've been working on a new blog, which the past few entries were rough prototypes for - a blog on the environment. But, I promise, it's not dry and boring (like some of the past few entries, for example). Please come visit - it's my attempt to make the experience of following environmental politics, as I've been doing for years now, a little less dreary and soul-draining.

While I get the hang of it, you'll see much fewer posts here in the near future. I'm trying to get into a regular routine of posting on Sludgie. This site will be reserved for random thoughts, side projects, haikus, etc.

But if you're interested in reading about the many ways we're gunking up our planet, and what, if anything, we might do about it, you'll like the new site. Let me know what you think.

Armageddon, Only Faster

2006-02-08T00:52:00.000-08:00

A recent episode of PBS’s excellent series “Now” dealt with the facts and politics of global warming. One scary prospect some scientists predict is a phenomenon called “abrupt climate change”. As opposed to the slow burn we think of when we hear global warming, one degree in a century, the climate will slowly change up to a point and then jump dramatically.

Not quite “The Day After Tomorrow” and okay, maybe not Armageddon, but with the oceans rising twenty feet, coastal cities will vanish. Numerous plant and animal species will become extinct. And with the Arctic, the “air conditioner to the world” in scientist Susan Joy Hassol’s words, melted away, temperatures around the world will get a lot more sticky and unbearable.

Brother, Can You Spare The Dollar?

2006-02-07T13:23:00.000-08:00

If you feel like reading some dense political/economic ponderings, this is an interesting, provocative article about a less-discussed motive for invading Iraq. The argument goes like this: The U.S. dollar is the international currency for trading oil. Every country in the world must use U.S. dollars to buy oil. The U.S. has what is known as “fiat money”, backed by a law saying it’s legal tender instead of gold or silver. Therefore, according to the article, the U.S. is on very shaky ground, and with debt in the trillions, it needs the international oil market to sustain its economy.

Enter the U.N. Oil-For-Food Program. In 2000 Iraq stopped accepting the U.S. dollar for oil, purely for political reasons, and through the Oil-For-Food Program converted all its U.S. dollars to euros. The article argues that this was a primary motive for invading Iraq. Two months after the war, the Oil-For-Food program was ended, the country’s accounts switched back to dollars, and Iraq oil was sold for greenbacks once again.

While much of the article is obviously debatable, it draws some interesting parallels with the current situation in Iran. Iran recently announced it will form its own international oil exchange in March of 2006. The currency? Euros.

The "Manimal" Threat

2006-02-07T12:36:00.000-08:00

Bush’s warning cry about “human-animal hybrids” in the last State of the Union address may seem like an odd tangent, but it appears he has good cause: they’ve already infiltrated the NSA and the Dept of Homeland Security. Blogger Jesse Berney has posted a hilarious threat-level chart.

Environmental Per-FORE!-mance

2006-02-06T23:03:00.000-08:00

The Environmental (hm…) Protection (yeah, right) Agency (okay, I’ll give you that one) is under fire for the failure of its Performance Track program, which rewards supposedly green-conscious corporations with lax regs and tax breaks. Strangely enough, the Bush administration has been reluctant to enforce it. When questioned, the EPA chief Stephen Johnson responded, “We’ve been focusing most of our resources on the logo design for our golf shirts. You can’t have a strong federal program without the proper golf shirts. Once we get the buzz going among America’s golfers, this thing is just going to snowball…"

Surfacing

2006-02-02T01:16:00.000-08:00

Working intensely hard on a screenplay for the past few weeks, which can make me rather boring. Not that I have nothing to talk about, or write in my blog about, but for the most part, I'm either reading, or watching something on Tivo, or writing. Or doing my jobby job, which is not interesting to talk about. So I'm left discussing the media I'm absorbing or the media I'm generating. Want to hear what I think of the book "China Inc."? Well, too bad, I haven't read it yet. I did read "Funny in Farsi", which is funny, and, even better, not in Farsi.

I missed Mr. Bush's speech last night, but caught Gov. Kaine's Democratic response slash commercial for Virginia. "In conclusion, America, there is a better way. And Virginia Is For Lovers!" I heard that LA Mayor Villaraigosa was supposed to give the speech, so maybe it was for the best - if there's one thing LA already has plenty of, it's publicity.

My girlfriend called me from work to tell me about the Oscar nominations. I had forgotten, which is because I was reasonably confident I wouldn't be nominated for anything. But if I wasn't, you can bet that I would be up at 5 am watching it live. I've been amused lately by all the calculated attempts that celebrities make to seem Just Like Us, completely Normal. Lately even Tom Cruise has nothing on Michelle Williams. The day after her Globe nomination she was on the cover of USA Today in an article titled "Globes? What Globes? Michelle Williams Just Wants To Be With Her Kids." It's weird to see celebrities gloating about their children, like Gwyneth Paltrow on the cover of some fashion magazine with a quote like "Now that I have children, my life is perfect." I'm sure that makes you really relatable to the mother of six in the checkout line in Akron, Ohio.

The classic example of this feigned modesty is the fact that in 99% of post-Oscar-announcement interviews with actors, they say they were asleep. Always woken up by the phone, always forgot the nominations were being announced, even people who won awards for their work just weeks earlier. I've been on numerous film shoots, and they routinely have 5 am calls. But for some reason these actors and movie people just had to get a full night's sleep. "Oscars? I completely forgot what the Oscars even are. Is that some sort of award? I was volunteering at a soup kitchen when my cel phone rang..." Bla bla bla. I promise you, that if I even think there's a chance in hell of being nominated, if I directed "Cheaper By The Dozen 4", then I will be up watching. And if I'm nominated, don't worry - I'll be calling you.

Just For Kidz: Where’s Frank Drinking Egg Nog?

2006-01-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Hey, kidz! Now that Frank is back from holiday vacation, the question is: Where was he? Tahiti? New York City? The Taj Mahal? Nope – he was visiting his girlfriend Stephanie’s relatives. Play this quiz and try to guess where they were:

1. When we met with some old friends and wanted to hang out after 9 pm, the only place to go was:

a. the local bar
b. the local nightclub
c. the local brewpub
d. the local Wal-Mart

2. While playing “school” with Steph’s seven-year-old niece, we listened to her sing along with:

a. nursery rhymes
b. Disney songs
c. a Hilary Duff album
d. a song called “She Thinks My Tractor is Sexy”

3. The local video store, which carried our film “Buttleman” for a brief time, was closed for selling:

a. pirated movies
b. broken tapes
c. adult videos
d. crank

4. The most popular lawn ornament in town is:

a. gnomes
b. geese
c. windmills
d. posters of the Ten Commandments

If you answered ‘d’ to all of the above, you win. So, where did Stephanie grow up? The answer to today’s Geo-quiz is: Cliché, KY! Actually, Princeton.

The town of Princeton is nearly the center of a huge bull’s-eye in the heartland of America, where the borders of Illinois, Indiana, Missouri, Tennessee, Arkansas and Kentucky crisscross. The nearest airport, just two hours away, is Nashville. The nearest hotspots (places that have bars) are Clarksville, TN, Paducah, KY and Metropolis, IL. A plaque in the center of town marks it as a stop on the Trail of Tears. Two monuments in front of City Hall commemorate American soldiers – one of them is dedicated to Confederate martyrs.

Every day I took a walk through town. I loved the architecture of the town – I miss brick buildings. Everything in LA is stucco and Spanish mission. Having grown up outside of Chicago, surrounded by brick factories and warehouses and complexes with a century or more of decay, I never thought of brick as anything special at all – it was everywhere. But there’s something fixed and grandfatherly that brick lends to a structure, which makes everything here seem flimsy and slapdash. LA was built by the first two pigs, and you know that worked out. No wolf could blow down Chicago.

To give you an idea of how much brick is a part of my childhood, the place I grew up, Park Ridge, IL, was originally called Brickton. I grew up in a completely different cliché – the town that the Tom Hanks 80’s movie “The Burbs” was based on. Literally. The screenwriter went to my high school. In fact, he named the fictional quintessential burb with a nod to his hometown’s history: it was called Brickton, too.

Steph’s family is not a cliché by any stretch. She spent more than half her childhood in Scotland; her family has seen the world. They share none of the attitudes or views that are typically associated with provincial, small-town Americans. Her niece is exceptionally bright (she plays “school” when she’s not in school). Steph’s brother John Paul draws the distinction without apology: “I’m not a redneck, but I am countrified.”

One of my favorite moments on the trip was going with Steph while she visited her family doctor, Dr. Settle. He is the same doctor who brought Steph into the world, making a joke about losing his watch. Now close to retirement, his sense of humor and his passionate concern are still strong. He lectured Steph’s dad about smoking, even though he knows he quit. He tested Steph for strep, even though he suspected she just had the flu. I think the biggest loss we’ve suffered by the medical industry is the family doctor. I’ve never trusted a doctor from an HMO, so-called “family practitioners” who act as if they’re paid to tell you to ignore it and don’t expect to ever see you again. I trust Dr. Settle.

At one point on the trip her family recounted a harrowing and incredibly – shockingly – unjust incident one of them experienced with the law in a nearby berg. It resulted in them being jailed – innocently – by a sheriff who would later be brought down by the FBI for drugs and corruption. I made the offhand comment that if it happened to me, I’d move out of the whole damn state. The rest of the family was silent. I felt ashamed for the remark. I guess there’s a virtue in refusing to give up on your hometown. I got out of the burbs. Steph got out of the country. But for many people, home is home.

Saving Polar Bears for Future Generations of Coca-cola Ads

2005-12-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

A great Christmas gift from the Senate this year - one more underhanded attack on the Arctic Refuge was narrowly averted. This one was the most slippery, sleazy political tactic yet - after trying to link it to the energy bill, and then the budget bill, Alaskan Senator Ted Stevens snuck it into the defense spending bill. When speaking to a friend about this, and denouncing any politician who would support this grossly deceitful maneuver, he mentioned that a lot of them are probably motivated by fear.

I'm sure more than a few senators had nightmares of TV commercials during their reelection campaign saying "Senator Bla bla bla voted AGAINST the defense spending bill because he/she just doesn't care about helping our troops..." Shot of a soldier shooting at the enemy, his gun barrel emptying, he reaches into his bag and finds a note that says "I.O.U ten bullets". And then he goes down in a slow motion hail of enemy fire. And then an American flag. Vote for Joe Lovesamerica.

But thankfully, we have senators like Boxer and Feinstein and John McCain, who speak their conscience even when there's a risk of political backlash. And thankfully, the constant public support of preserving the Arctic refuge has created enough pressure to protect this important natural landmark for yet another year. Merry Christmas, Mr. Stevens.

It draws attention to the incredible importance of public awareness when it comes to politics. In this era of Fox Propaganda and Rovian mudslinging, it's so crucial that people are active in seeking out the truth in politics. It's out there - but you have to be vigilant, as our president would say. Once again let me plug my two favorite news sources: "Now", which you can stream online if your PBS station is monkeying with its time slot, and "To The Point" with Warren Olney, a radio show and podcast which is the single most informative and even-handed news source available.

I'm currently putting the finishing touches on my own political website which I will launch early in the new year. It focuses on the environment, and my goal is to stay on top of all the major issues and keep readers informed with a bit of humor. One-stop shopping for environmental awareness. Several of my recent posts have been test runs for the new site. I'll post the link as soon as it's launched.

The Five Worst Tom Petty Songs to Promote An Airline

2005-12-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

1. Free Fallin'

2. Something In The Air

3. Breakdown

4. Running Down A Dream

5. Learning To Fly

Genius

2005-12-17T14:13:00.000-08:00

Back from my trip to Florida with family. I flew Delta, but due to the numerous mergers and complications in the airline industry, I actually flew some airline called Song. Song is my new favorite airline. Song has an offbeat vibe, with a flashy logo, cheerfully kooky flight attendants and an interior design in a myriad of day-glo colors, suggesting the airline was bought by Delta from Pedro Almodóvar. I bought a lime green neck pillow with Song's logo on it. When we landed in Orlando, the captain announced, "We know you have your choice of financially troubled airlines to fly, so we appreciate you choosing our financially troubled airline..."

Song also has, ala Jet Blue, an individual TV monitor for each seat. On the flight back to LA, after watching several hours of the Food Network, I decided to play the in-flight trivia challenge. I was competing with about ten other people, and I won three games in a row. I'm not sure how proud I should be of the accomplishment, though. In one game I got knocked down a few pegs for getting a question about Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" wrong, and then bounced back into first place by knowing the name of Britney Spears' first movie.

My Nephew Nolen's Recommendation to Name the Newly Discovered Tenth Planet

2005-12-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

Yellow Power Ranger Giraffe Banana Planet.

Five Seasonal Greetings To Piss Off Bill O'Reilly

2005-12-13T05:55:00.000-08:00

1. Quarterly Tidings

2. Happy Year-Death

3. Merry Home-Invasion-by-the-Greatest-Criminal-Mastermind-of-all-Time

4. Joyeux Noel

5. Santa's Not Real!

GODZILLA!!!

2005-12-07T12:03:00.001-08:00

Godzilla has been living in quiet retirement until today, in a storage space somewhere near St. Charles, IL. Back in the seventies, his reign was supreme - he terrorized Star Wars characters, plastic soldiers, G.I. Joes - but now, no one fears him.

Godzilla aged fast - the first to go was the vital but awkward plastic lever jutting from the back of his head. It controlled the flat, rubbery strip of fire he could extend from his mouth and vanquish foes. It was basically a forked tongue painted with flames like the hood of a 70's Trans Am.

Next, his projectile right hand. Fired into enemy territory. And the too-easily removable tail. All gone, just like his eyesight and sex drive.

But today, Godzilla has emerged from retirement, revitalized and horrific. Run! Before it's too late! Buildings crumbling in flames, powerlines tangling around his knee caps. Godzilla lives!

Listen to David Byrne's iPod

2005-12-02T23:33:00.000-08:00

I've added a new link on the sidebar, to Radio David Byrne. It's a radio station that plays about 4 hours of music in rotation, which he programs, and changes once a month. David Byrne is a hero of mine, and I've considered putting a link to his blog up in the past - it's one of the few I read regularly; insightful, entertaining and amazingly prolific (isn't this guy a celebrity and shit? When does he have the time to do coke off a stripper's breasts?).

He's got extremely varied taste in music, as evidenced by the choice to close his Hollywood Bowl show this summer with a (terrific) cover of Beyonce's "Crazy In Love", performing alongside a chamber orchestra, a mock pep rally band and The Arcade Fire. He programs each month with a certain theme. Last month it was synth and hiphop of the 80's and 90's, October was Missy Elliot, September was Bob Dylan, before that it was Italian music... you get the picture. This month it's "Rednecks, Racists and Reactionaries - Country Classics". Enjoy it while you can - he's already received a warning from the RIAA for playing too much of one artist. You can also access it through iTunes. I hope he continues it - it's a fun insight into a genius artist and a listen so eclectic it makes "Morning Becomes Eclectic" seem like the Mtv Countdown.

New Jersey Accidentally Passes Environmental Measure

2005-12-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

If there's one place in the nation that a chemical-spewing, filth-belching factory can feel right at home, it's New Jersey. But yesterday Acting Gov. Richard J. Codey passed a series of security measures for its chemical plants that require them to assess potential risks from terrorist attacks. In some high-risk cases the threat could affect over 1 million people. And here's the kicker: the rules require roughly one third of the highest risk candidates to review the potential for using chemicals in their plants that are safer. Whoooooops!

Spurned and disillusioned, the factories responded by lamenting the end of their sado-masochistic love fest with the state of New Jersey.

Industry officials criticized the new standards, saying chemical companies have cooperated with the state and have already spent more than $100 million on improving security. Hal Bozarth, executive director of the 72-member Chemistry Council of New Jersey, said the new set of requirements "sort of ends a feeling of 'Let's work together,' and it implies that we've done nothing, which is far from true."

Their own security measures have included a $1 million giant picture of Osama Bin Laden to hang over a landfill and hurl barrels of toxic waste at, and electric collars to keep the C.H.U.D. born out of the primordial toxic ooze from leaving the perimiter.

The industry responded to these measures with a series of television ads that depict someone recycling a plastic bottle and then pan over to the side of the road where a chemical factory watches with a single tear in its eye.

NEW! Global Pandemic! NEW!

2005-12-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

We are facing a terrifying new threat to worldwide health: ~~AIDS~~ bird flu. As the public becomes aware of this serious threat, health officials have been scrambling to find a vaccine to stop the spread of ~~AIDS~~ bird flu. But with over ~~40 million~~ two cases worldwide, this could ~~already~~ soon be a worldwide pandemic.

Today is World AIDS Day.

Black Friday

2005-11-30T21:52:00.000-08:00

This past holiday weekend I explored new territory: shopping on Black Friday. For years now, I've watched people on the news brag about getting a DVD player for $30 or whatever, and resolved never to set foot into the fray myself.

But this year Steph and I were feeling adventurous, so we made our Xmas gift list and decided to get up around 8 or 9 in the morning and check it out. I ended up waking up at 3:45 AM and couldn't get back to sleep. I knew if I finally fell asleep, I'd sleep til noon. But if I ventured out...

The first store to open was Wal-Mart at 5 AM. Then, Macy's at 6 and the rest of the mall at 8. Normally I relish any chance to sleep in, so if I didn't go then, I probably never would in my entire life. I'd die without the knowledge of what getting up early for Black Friday shopping is like. A sudden, chilling sense of mortality made the decision for me: I grabbed my list of presents and drank a strong cup of coffee and departed into the frigid morning air. Steph was not afflicted with insomnia, so I went alone.

Keep in mind, I normally refuse to set foot in Wal-Mart. My main complaints are that it kills your soul and the crowds are really annoying. But we naively figured if I got there right at 5 there would be hardly anyone there, I could just walk in and walk out.

I got there at 4:45 and there was a line of roughly 1000 people. They were chattering about $250 laptops, but by the time I got to the front of the line - which took 22 minutes - someone came out of the store saying, "Laptops are gone."

Inside there were boxes of sale items stacked practically floor to ceiling around the store. The women's underwear section had a huge pyramid of $98 DVD/TV combos by some brand I never heard of. The boxes were so big and cumbersome they made the shopping carts teeter, but people grabbed them and threw them in like packs of gum at the register.

I learned something about Black Friday: not everything is on sale. On the contrary, it's just a small group of items that are probably overstock or available to the retailers really cheap, generally rather questionable off-brands. I watched two customers get in a fight over a cart, considered whether I needed a $20 electric griddle, and left.

Next stop: Macy's. I arrived just as the doors opened at 6 AM. The sky was still dark. It was the polar opposite experience of Wal-Mart. There were two or three customers, including me. Everything was quiet and peaceful. Hootie and the Blowfish gently wafted from the speakers. Once again, only a small percentage of the inventory was on sale. And I learned something else about Black Friday there: a lot of sales only last until 11 AM or noon. But no matter - I was there at 6, and when I grabbed items off the sale rack and used the courtesy scanner to price-check them, they rang up at crazy discounts - $5 for an Izod dress shirt.

I wandered the rest of the mall, but it was pretty uneventful. Like I said, a lot of stores had deals that ended at 11, at which time they went up slightly in price - shirts that were normally $50 at Express were $19.95 until 11, then went up to $25 for the rest of the day. And the crowds weren't that bad. The Apple store didn't have shit on sale, and at one point it seemed like the mall was playing the same lame song for over an hour. "Bla bla bla save my soul, bla bla bla rock and roll and drift away..." What a turd that song is.

Overall, I would say it was worth it. Avoid Wal-Mart and big retailers like that, don't get up super-early unless you just feel like it. But if you like buying stuff when it's really on sale, then this Bud's for you. I ended up spending $180 at Macy's on an impressive pile of shirts, ties and sweaters. My receipt said, "You saved $685.45 shopping today..."

Frank's Horror Film of Horrors

2005-11-30T01:27:00.000-08:00

I feel great. Shot three scenes for the film today. One death, and some other nasty bits of special effects fun. I watched the footage and it's all terrific. While I've enjoyed myself shooting these pickups, they've been a major stress because of my lack of crew to rely on, as I've already mentioned. I was running around for days picking up props from far-flung rental houses, hiking through the park scouting locations, and scheduling, emailing, calling, revising, scheduling, emailing, revising, etc. The classic moment of bizarre indie film desperation came yesterday. I had picked out a nice location to steal in Griffith Park, for a scene where two characters climb a tree. It was really the only tree in the area that was low enough and big enough that two people could climb into it. Well, when we showed up yesterday to rehearse we discovered someone had spray-painted "FUCK" on the tree in several prominent spots.

After all else failed, I ended up doing the strangest thing I've done yet to get a shot. I'm ashamed to admit it, being a committed environmentalist (I'm even working on a new environmental weblog), but I actually went and bought spray paint to sneak into the park and cover up the graffiti.

That's right - I tagged a tree in Griffith Park to make it look like a tree. First with streaks of grey, then a few patches of dark brown. It looked damn good. Of course, I probably started a gang war in the process. I thought of explaining myself, if a park ranger caught me, as being part of the Hasty Beautification Project, whose mission isn't to actually clean up our city's parks, but to make them look clean.

Anyway, for months I've been pretty overwhelmed, and tonight I feel like I've reached a threshold - I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In the past three days we wrapped a main character (Jacob), a minor character (The Nanny), a major costume (The Bloody Shirt), and our picture car (Little Blue, a powder blue VW bug). Most importantly, I can now count the remaining scenes on one hand. In other words, the end is so close I can taste it, and it tastes like sweet ambrosia. Like booze mixed with sex mixed with Mamoun's Falafel. Actually, that sounds pretty gross.

Useless Tidbits of Information

2005-11-21T23:42:00.000-08:00

Been preoccupied with the movie - pickups last weekend, pickups next weekend, more pickups next week. Haven't drawn or written anything. We probably only have about five days of shooting left, scattered out over weekends or odd days when I can assemble the crew and cast, but those five days hang on my neck like a big metaphorical sea-going bird. There's something about being in production, at my extreme shoestring budget level, that takes up 75% of my time but 99% of my mental power. I think it's the pressure, with coordinating schedules and trying to find props and trying to MAKE props and invent special effects and cast without spending the $$$ on audition room rental and breakdown services and such. I'm trying to maintain this level of quality that's damn near impossible... Who knows, some filmmakers thrive under such conditions. But finishing my second feature film made this way, I'll tell you - I live to delegate.

Also, there's the fact that I just got TiVo. That's taking up a bit of my time as well. I got home from work at 3 PM, and came to bed at 11:30, feeling like I got a lot done. Then I realized all I actually accomplished today was clearing out my TiVo "Now Playing" queue.

Anyway, to you random object enthusiasts just dying for #13, I apologize for the wait.

Here's some useful info: a website dedicated to mapping out and identifying neighborhoods in the LA area with fruit growing over public space, free for the picking. Maybe you can make a nice fruit pie for the holiday.

Basket Case

2005-11-17T11:45:00.000-08:00

So, I finally got around to watching "The Wicker Man" last night. What a truly bizarre film experience. This is not just a creepy metaphysical horror flick, as it's hyped up to be - it's a musical. As in, "Seven Brides For Seven Brothers". There are whole musical numbers, and the music is bad - both the embarrassingly dated soundtrack music (meandering, Pink Floydish guitar solos) and the "authentic" Scottish druid folk music that sound like rejected tracks from "Godspell". With the 70's vibe and people prancing around in animal masks, the whole thing plays like a deranged Sid and Marty Krofft show. Remember the one with the orgies and pagan sacrifices? H.R. Boff N' Snuff?

The plot has similarities to the horror film I'm in post production on, and I learned a lot watching where they succeeded - and where they succeeded not so much. It builds to a climax that's just as disturbing by today's horror film standards as it must have been for viewers in 1972. The story plays out like a Christian evangelist's worst nightmare - a devout cop slash reverend (?) visits a remote Scottish island looking for a missing girl and stumbles into a heathen wonderland - naked girls romping everywhere, children being taught about phallic imagery in grade school, people playing those twangy mouth harps. Mass depravity. Culminating, of course, with a virgin sacrifice. In this sense, the film is extremely timely, like a Christian cautionary fable of the fanatic Mel Gibson variety. What makes this even more amusing is the similarity between the hero cop/reverend and Chief Justice John G. Roberts. A handsome, noble, conservative superhero. He even states flatly to a flirtatious town girl that he doesn't believe in intercourse before marriage.

Christopher Lee, as the evil, sexually permissive ringleader of the godless town, looks vaguely like John Kerry (if John Kerry spoke like Tony Blair and dressed really gay). This is a ghost story for the born-again set - all that's missing is recreational abortion.

It left me thinking about the bizarre practice of human sacrifices to the gods. The film rightly recognizes that this is a deeply disturbing, primal, part of our souls. I don't really get it. What draws us to the idea of sacrifice? How did humans ever get on this kick? It's something universal - after all, it carried over into Christianity. Blood of the martyr, shed for you bla bla bla. What is Christ, if not the most famous human sacrifice? He died on the cross so our crops would grow.

Number #12

2005-11-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

The cupboard was practically empty; just a can of Dinty Moore beef stew, some roach traps and a box of generic cereal.

More Political Crap

2005-11-11T12:38:00.000-08:00

Thank A Republican

Actually, that title isn't just an sarcastic ploy to get your attention, like "Free Sex" or "Punch The Kangaroo And Win A Free Laptop". Not just any Republican, obviously - that would be reckless - I'm referring to 22 Republicans in the House of Representatives. I'm still reeling with the news that the House - the House - blocked the budget bill provision for drilling in the Arctic refuge.

People who follow environmental politics are deeply masochistic. We crave mind-numbing repetition of dour reports, and we get it very reliably these days. Reading Google News or The Grist is like burrowing a dull plastic knife into my wrist wondering if today maybe the skin will break.

So yesterday, I responded to the news of the Republican-led coalition to save ANWR like the peaceful Pod People suddenly freed from slavery to the evil Skeksis, staring around and blinking dumbly in the sunlight.

All 202 Dems, under House Minority Leader Pelosi, held fast - which is also extremely commendable. But in these screamingly partisan times, the fact that 22 Republicans, led by Rep. Charles Bass (NH), formed a coalition to support the wishes of a majority of Americans is a startling show of courage and ethics. You can thank them here.

On a side note, did you ever notice how it's always the same photo of the Arctic Refuge that they use in every news article? I wonder if those nine musk ox are getting any royalties...

Number #11

2005-11-11T00:38:00.000-08:00

The tiny sticker clung tenously to his wool sweater as he walked across the campus, wondering if it would fall before she noticed it...

Poly Ranty

2005-11-10T01:40:00.000-08:00

Been posting less while I act as "guest editor" on a political site I sometimes contribute to. Here's a sample of my posts this week:

GreenHouse?

An interesting day for environmentalists. The House, which has recently been the far less eco-friendly legislative body, jettisoned the ANWR-drilling provision from the budget bill, along with a proposal for coastal drilling. So the caribou and polar bears are safe, for the moment. They did, however, leave in a potentially disastrous mining measure that could hack up the whole American west.

Rep. Richard Pombo is rapidly ascending to the top of my "most loathsome" list - an admirable feat. First he tied the noose to hang the Endangered Species Act, and now he's trying to drill holes in every square foot of public land. Next he'll propose grinding up bald eagles for cattle feed.

Meanwhile, the Senate is grilling oil leaders over their massive profits, and even Bill O'Reilly has accused them of price gouging. I know there are reasonable, less-than-radical-free-market arguments against a windfall tax. It strikes me that if the Senate is so concerned about how rich the oil giants are they shouldn't have given them $40 billion of our tax money in the ridiculous energy bill.

But I will say this - Lee Raymond, the chief of Exxon Mobil, just looks like the prototypical fatcat industrialist, like he was ripped from some nineteenth century political cartoon where he's hog-tying Lady Liberty while he puffs on a cigar rolled from thousand dollar bills.

Hip To Be Brainwashed

2005-11-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

So, the other day I was walking my dog Hoover and the song “Hip To Be Square” popped in my head randomly. I started softly singing it, rewriting it, as I do with songs, to include my dog’s name. “It’s hip to be Hoover…”

(I think the reason people never tire of doing this, or of talking in semi-nonsense to their dogs, or of stacking objects on top of their cats, is because animals are incapable of reacting appropriately. Their expressions generally don't even change. It's their inability to comprehend absurdity that is, for some reason, hilarious.)

Then, this morning, driving to work, I suddenly realized that the song “I Want A New Drug” was in my head. Another Huey Lewis song? In two days?

I haven’t listened to Huey Lewis since I was in ninth grade. Which goes without saying, really. Nobody has listened to Huey Lewis since they were in ninth grade. I don’t care if you’re 80 years old, the last time you listened to Huey Lewis was when you’re in the ninth grade.

I didn't catch a snippet of them on the radio while shopping at Bed, Bath and Beyond or something. I don't listen to KOST 103 or whatever station would play Huey Lewis, I don't even know. I haven't heard them.

I want a new drug… One that won’t make me sick…

What the hell is going on? It can’t just be me. My brain just doing that. Not possible.

Is it aliens? The CIA? VH-1? What do these messages mean?

2005-11-04T10:06:00.000-08:00

little green bag

Enter If You Dare

2005-11-02T17:25:00.000-08:00

Spent Halloween enjoying what used to be one of my favorite Halloween experiences: a haunted house.

Obviously I don't mean a literal house that's haunted, but a temporary labyrinth for the innocent to walk cautiously through, filled with darkness and atmosphere and good solid screams. As a child, I loved them. Netherworlds of unknown terrors surrounded by benign suburbia. There's something ingenious about them; portals to a whole different world, contained in a confined space. It's what I still appreciate about Disneyland, despite the whole corporate Big Brother police state aspect of it. When I was growing up there was one haunted house in my area that I always heard about, but never found, which supposedly had six floors and if you made it all the way to the top floor you got your money back. Looking back, it seems a bit dubious... but at the time it was legend.

I built a haunted house in my home every Halloween. One year, I did aliens - the best effect was a small sponge alien that crawled across the floor with the help of some thread. When I was in sixth grade I broke my leg and was confined to a body cast - hence, a mummy theme.

This gave way to a different passion when my dad brought home a new toy for my seventh grade Halloween party - a rented video camera. In a sense, you could say that my passion for making haunted houses became my passion for making movies. I wrote a 45-page take on Frankenstein, "The Creation", that took several days to film. My dad was one of three people to portray the Frankenstein monster at various points in the movie. I edited it with two VCRs and the "audio dub" function that really old units had. I utilized only the finest music for the soundtrack: Mick Jagger's theme song for "Ruthless People" and some choice cuts from Bruce Willis' "Return of Bruno" album. Classic horror fare.

So when I returned to the world of haunted houses as an adult, many years later, I made a discovery. "Wait a minute - haunted houses SUCK!" They're mostly unimaginative mazes of plywood walls with strobe effects and teenagers in rubber masks, waving plastic knives or chainsaws with no chain on them. No atmosphere, no aura. No portal to another world.

The haunted house we visited on Monday didn't cost money to go through. It only existed for a few days before Halloween to entertain locals and trick-or-treaters. It was normally someone's front lawn, converted into a rather busy cemetery. After walking up the driveway, you turn along the front of the house, and then back down the other side.

But make no mistake - this was a serious effort. We're in LA, after all - the land that takes the artificial and superficial to new heights. There were so many details it took about twenty minutes to go through and see it all. No human performers - it was all animatronics and lighting effects: a skeleton playing a harp in the living room window, eerie glow on a pale nun's face chanting by candlelight, dancing lights in the fog and faces carved in the trees, ghostly figures with no legs pacing among the headstones, fireflies dancing around a tomb with an unearthly glow deep inside. For thirty-three years this house has been host to a Halloween spectacle. We immediately assumed the person behind it all was in the film industry, but instead of the obvious (lighting or construction), it turns out he does sound work. Which made sense - the whole experience was an aural odyssey. Latin chants, ghoulish howls, distant music, otherworldly drones.

Normally it's disappointing to live here during the autumn. I miss it - the colors, the trees, the cool brisk air that whispers of snow, the sweet aroma of rotting leaves on the ground, the deliciously carcinogenic smell of burning leaf piles, the cornfields and barns saying "This is our time," the sense of the whole world bracing for winter, apple orchards, actual pumpkin patches, actual trick-or-treaters. But LA knows how to put on a show. It may not have had six floors and a money-back offer, but it was the stuff of legend.

2005-10-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

my favorite holiday

Method Becomes Madness

2005-10-31T15:42:00.000-08:00

My method of drawing the pictures for my '100 Object' series involves making a pencil sketch, photocopying it as a precaution because I'm still not very confident with my inking, then inking. I use a brush and black india ink, although I just bought white ink (utilized for the carbonation bubbles in my last picture). I am left-handed.

This morning was an experiment - a sketch from memory, an object from my childhood. I was listening to 'Ascension' by John Coltrane, and thinking about how I realize it's brilliant but I still think it sounds like a mess, and wondering how he prepared his musicians ahead of time ("Just kind of go nuts, okay? I'll wave my hand or something when it's over..."), and I was holding the bottle of india ink with my weak, inferior, bastard right hand and I placed the ink bottle ever so gently down three inches from the end of the table.

Splat. Exxon Valdez was in my living room: the hardwood floor, the desk, the table, my hand. Blackened seagulls flailing at my feet. Looking at my dripping black hand, I did the stupidest thing I could think of - grab the thin, generic-brand paper towel in my lap. The ink soaked right through onto my new jeans. I may as well have just wiped my hand on my pants. Nice work. I felt like the guy on "Lost" who survives the plane crash and then walks right in front of the engine and gets sucked up into the fan.

It's all your fault, Trane. I did find out that india ink cleans up off of hardwood floors better than you'd expect, and apparently ammonia is the key if you have a real nasty ink stain on clothes. I used Windex. I'm not optimistic.

As for the picture, maybe I'll finish it when I get home, maybe I'll flop down on the couch and watch some horror movies. Sometimes dead is better.

Regime Change

2005-10-30T10:19:00.000-08:00

I am now officially an independent entity. Well, not literally, but I now have masking so I can appear as independent, when in reality I'm a cowering little bitch to the Blogger monolith. But, to the casual observer, I will appear as Master of my Domain.

My official domain is henceforth: www.francisstokes.com. If you type it in, you'll get here. Try it. See? Still here. On that token, my email is now francis@francisstokes.com. I like to hear my name echoing insanely in my head.

So, enjoy the new path to the waterfall. Much easier to type in an address bar. And write on small scraps of paper. And start a whisper campaign. And tattoo on your arm. And scream at the president. And name your child.

The Future Is Now.

2005-10-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

Cola and ice in vintage pop art glassware from 99 Cent Store, circa 2003

Halloween Viewing

2005-10-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

My Halloween film fest for 2005:

1. Cat People: Coquettish Simone Simon finds her new marriage threatened by her latent feline tendancies. New DVD has a great commentary track. Her Serbian name sounds strangely like "Purina".

2. Curse of the Cat People: Sequel directed by Robert Wise. Came on the same DVD.

3. The Gate: Child actor Stephen Dorff finds a gateway to hell in his backyard. Unleashes claymation monsters. The last time I saw this was in the theatres when I was 14 years old. Directed by the great Tibor Takacs, who went on to direct such classics as "Mansquito" and "The Gate II".

4. Bride of Frankenstein: Never seen it, even though many say it's better than the original. Too bad I can't pair it with "Bride of Cat People". Or "Bride of The Gate".

5. Wicker Man: Christopher Lee. Scottish scenery. Pagan society. Wicked.

Also, look for the classic "Night of the Hunter" in theatres in its limited re-release. Mitchum as a homocidal preacher. Weird, spooky, campy, blasphemous genius. You can't believe this really played in theatres in the 1950's. About to get the royal treatment in a new DVD release. I'm already buying it. I can't stop myself. My... hands... Help! Run! They're already here! You're next!

Rattling The Cage

2005-10-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

I added two new links to my side bar, in honor of my trip to the capital of this great nation. One says write your representative, and one says write your senator. The first one is so you can write your representative, and the second one is so you can write your senator.

They provide an email template that makes the whole process take about ten seconds. To illustrate, here's a letter I sent my representative, based on a story discussed on kohlville:

I am writing to you about Armed Forces Radio, which broadcasts to our servicepeople in 175 countries (including Iraq), and is programmed with a certain amount of talk radio content. 65 hours a week is conservative talk radio. Zero hours a week is liberal or progressive radio.

I can only imagine how demoralizing this is for our troops with progressive views, who must already feel like a minority. If I were drafted into a war, hearing Rush Limbaugh on the radio would definitely rub salt in my (possibly literal) wounds.

Sincerely,
Francis Stokes

P.S. - I stopped by your office for a visitor's pass to sit in on Congress last week - thanks to your friendly staff.

It's that easy. You don't even have to include that last part, unless you also visited their office last week. So, whenever something concerns you, don't go searching the web for a petition - just click here. Remember, you're their boss. Be a micro-manager.

2005-10-28T12:08:00.000-07:00

A toast to Patrick Fitzgerald

Bases Covered

2005-10-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the United States Capitol Visitor Information Line. The United States Capitol is open from 9 AM until 4:30 PM, Monday through Saturday. You may visit the United States Capitol by obtaining a free, timed-entry pass.

The following items are prohibited from being brought into the Capitol: Bags of all types larger than 14 inches wide, 13 inches high and 4 inches deep, food and beverages of any kind and their containers, for example, cans and bottles, areosal and non-aerosal sprays, any pointed objects, for example, knitting needles, letter openers, scissors, needles, etc., guns, replica guns, ammunition, fireworks, knives of any kind, razors, box cutters, stun guns, martial arts weapons or devices, mace and pepper spray.

We hope you enjoy your visit to the United States Capitol.

A Brief Hiatus

2005-10-20T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'll be off for the next few days while I take a trip to Washington, DC. (Note to secret service personnel with access to my library records thanks to the Patriot Act - NO, it's not because I just read Nicholson Baker's "Checkpoint", smartypants...)

It's for a wedding. The wedding of Liberty and Justice, baby! FOR ALL! It's a black tie affair. Seriously, you have to be really rich to get in. I was mistaken for the guy who sails boats around the world.

Have a nice weekend.

The Further Adventures of Chunk and Sloth

2005-10-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

Few people outside of the entertainment industry know that Chunk, the chubby, foul-mouthed kid from The Goonies, is now all grown up and a slim, successful entertainment lawyer in Hollywood.

But he never forgot the promise he made, after they thwarted the gangsters who tried to rob One Eyed Willie’s pirate ship. A promise to a sweet-faced, well-meaning, horribly disfigured freak named Sloth: “Sloth. You’re gonna live with me now. I’m gonna take care of ya. Because I love ya.”

Int. Law Office on Sunset Blvd - Day

Subtitle: “Los Angeles, 2005”

CHUNK: Sloth! There you are. Where’s my goddamn macchiato?

SLOTH: Pretty.

CHUNK: What’s with the balloon? Where’s my goddamn macchiato? Did you spend my five bucks on a balloon?

RECEPTIONIST: (on speakerphone) Chunk, Gore Verbinski is on one.

CHUNK: I’ve gotta fucking take this now Sloth, go sit down. Yeah, it’s a nice balloon. I like it.

SLOTH: Yellow!

CHUNK: Just go sit down, I gotta take this call. Nice balloon. Put it over there. Thank you. (into phone) Goreby? Goreby! What’s shaking? How’s everything on ‘Pirates’? Is Johnny behaving himself? Yeah… The fax? My assistant sent it yesterday. Hang on. (covers phone) Sloth. Did you send that fax?

SLOTH: Yummy.

CHUNK: Yummy? What does that mean? Did you send the fax?

SLOTH: (beating chest and bellowing) RRRRRRRAAAAAGGGRRRHH!

CHUNK: Did you eat it? Did you eat my fax? (into phone) Gore? I’m gonna have to… I gotta resend that, I’ll take care of it right now. I’ll talk to you later.

SLOTH: Hungry.

CHUNK: Yeah, why don’t you eat some more fucking fax paper.

SLOTH: (starting to cry) Chunk mad.

CHUNK: Chunk not mad. Chunk just gotta do all the work around here, that’s all.

SLOTH: LUUUUUUUNCH!

CHUNK: Maybe Mouth will take you to lunch. It’s not like he’s busy.

SLOTH: Mouth!… Mooouth!

CHUNK: It’s okay. I told him you don’t want to go back to Crazy Girls.

SLOTH: (distressed) MOUUUUUUUUUTH!

CHUNK: You don't have to go there, you can go get a sandwich. A sandwich. Just remember, you don’t play Texas Hold ‘Em. Okay? That’s what you say next time. No cards. Fucking sick turd robbing a crippled retard like that. Tell him you don’t want to play!

SLOTH: No play Mouth…

The receptionist enters with a take-out bag. Chunk takes out a chili dog and a milkshake.

SLOTH: LUNCH! LUNCH! LUNCH!

CHUNK: This isn’t for you, Sloth. You don’t like chili dogs. They make you gassy, remember? Remember last time, with Renee Zellweger?

SLOTH: Hungry.

CHUNK: All right, look, let me send this fax and finish my food and I’ll take you to In n’ Out, you can get a hamburger. Okay?

SLOTH: Sloth hungry now.

CHUNK: Just a goddamned second. I got my hands full. I’m printing out a fax right now, I need you to send it to Gore’s office, okay? Take it.

SLOTH: Fax number.

CHUNK: Number’s at the top. Just type it into the keypad. Hit a four first.

SLOTH: Area code!

CHUNK: Right, but not a one. Don’t type in a one.

Sloth eats the fax.

CHUNK: GODDAMN IT, SLOTH!

SLOTH: Chunk mad.

CHUNK: Will you stop eating my faxes? I won’t be mad if you stop eating my faxes.

SLOTH: Candy bar.

CHUNK: Yeah, remember the candy bar? That’s how we met. Good times.

SLOTH: Sloth bad personal assistant.

CHUNK: No, you’re not. You’re not a bad personal assistant. Hey, when that bouncer at the Palms in Vegas gave me shit, who made him piss his pants? Huh?

SLOTH: Sloth fight crime.

CHUNK: No, Sloth, not that again.

SLOTH: Sloth Superman. SU-PER-MAN!

CHUNK: You can’t be Superman, Sloth. You can’t fly. Remember?

SLOTH: Sloth save people. Sloth wanna be hero.

CHUNK: You are a hero! Who lifted Halle Berry up over that crowd of reporters at the Beverly Hills Hotel so she could get to her therapy?

SLOTH: Sloth.

CHUNK: That’s right. And who broke Ben Stiller’s arm?

SLOTH: Sloth hero.

CHUNK: You can’t leave, Sloth. I need ya.

SLOTH: Chunk need me?

CHUNK: Yeah. Ya big dumb retard.

They hug.

RECEPTIONIST: (over speakerphone) Chunk, did you move your Volvo? Greg said they turned the sprinklers on.

CHUNK: What?

He rushes to look out the window, SMASHING his chili dog and milkshake against the glass and spraying himself with his lunch.

CHUNK: Aw, fuck!

2005-10-17T22:54:00.000-07:00

hey, it's a hairdryer! that blows!

2005-10-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

panda for colby

2005-10-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

my favorite season

Hungry

2005-10-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Archaeologists in China made a very important discovery this week - a 4,000-year-old bowl of pasta. Overturned in an earthquake and buried in a flood and preserved. It's even more exciting than finding a lost handwritten manuscript by Beethoven.

They're saying this finally resolves the long-standing debate over who invented pasta - the Chinese or the Italians. I always thought it was Marco Polo who brought pasta to Italy from the East. But anyway, there's no question now - the ancient ancestral lineage of Ramen noodles beats out that of Spaghetti-O's. If you're wondering if anybody ate them, they turned to dust shortly after being exposed to the air. No? I was wondering.

2005-10-14T13:15:00.000-07:00

ceramic shards and laundry money

Two Weeks

2005-10-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

My dad just moved to Hawaii and he hired an interior decorator for his new apartment. "I think he might swing the other way," my dad warned. But he became very friendly with this guy who was one of the first people he met in his new home. "He does have a certain joie de vivre."

Anyway, he just found out that doctors gave this man two weeks to live. Apparently he has a brain tumor. A month ago, he was diagnosed. A week ago, the doctors tried to remove it and declared it inoperable. Last night, he threw a party. What are you gonna do?

If I look back over the past two weeks, I think I spent about 75% of it on the phone with customer service. My cable TV, my computer, my printer, my cell phone, my bank. There were very few moments worthy of the last two weeks of existence. A few stolen hours with my girlfriend when we both were home and undistracted. Tuesday night with a group of friends out for sushi, that ended badly for those sitting near us at a Mexican restaurant where we drank margaritas and sang Christmas carols. Once or twice when I walked my dog Hoover and the weather was perfect.

Two weeks. Starting... now.

House, Age 10

2005-10-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

House sits on the edge of the playground with his three friends.

Not the most popular kid in school, House’s friends are a motley assortment of outsiders: Rod, the only black kid in class, Graham, an exchange student from Australia, and Kiki, the brainiac girl who has a crush on House.

A teacher announces that the class is going to play 'Sink the Bismarck' during recess. House scowls.

HOUSE: I hate ‘Sink the Bismarck’.

The others mutter agreement. Ronnie Lutch, the quiet class reject, plays alone by the swingset.

HOUSE: Hey Lutch! Get over here.

Ronnie reluctantly approaches.

HOUSE: You look sort of gross. Are you feeling ill?

LUTCH: I look gross?

HOUSE: You better lie down. Are you feeling pallid?

KIKI: He looks ashen.

GRAHAM: Better listen to him.

Frightened, Ronnie lies down on the blacktop.

HOUSE: Tell me Ronnie, any fever, night sweats, gout, difficulty breathing or rigor mortis?

LUTCH: I don't think so...

KIKI: It looks like a severe case of cooties.

HOUSE: Well, you should know, you kissed him on the tongue.

KIKI: Gross! I didn’t kiss him on the tongue! Shut up, House!

ROD: Definite signs of cooties and stupid germs.

HOUSE: So who were you tongue-kissing, Lutch?

LUTCH: I wasn’t!

GRAHAM: If he has cooties, shouldn’t he be throwing up mice?

HOUSE: Have you been throwing up rodents, Lutch?

LUTCH: No…

HOUSE: That's strange. It can't be normal garden-style cooties. It has to be something else.

KIKI: Look at his face. He’s turning green!

HOUSE: He’s dying right here on the blacktop.

ROD: His nose has boogers.

HOUSE: Allergies, hay fever. Half the class has it.

GRAHAM: His freckles form a star.

HOUSE: Oh, are we playing voodoo? Who taught you to be a doctor, your pet kangaroo?

ROD: (to Graham) You’re burnin’…

HOUSE: C’mon, think, people! If we don’t find a cure by the end of recess he’s a goner. What has all the symptoms of cooties and retard germs but doesn’t make you throw up mice, it only makes you smell?

LUTCH: I want to play Sink the Bismarck.

HOUSE: Fine, go ahead. Stand up, see if your eyeballs fall out of your butt.

Ronnie remains on the ground.

HOUSE: That’s what I thought. We don’t have much time. Rod, check his heartbeat.

Rod reaches for Ronnie’s wrist.

GRAHAM: Wait! You wanna catch cooties too?

ROD: I’m sprayed.

Rod checks his pulse.

HOUSE: Two minutes of recess left.

ROD: One eighty over 1,000.

HOUSE: 1,000? It’s supposed to be a million!

KIKI: We're losing him.

LUTCH: What’s gonna happen to me?

HOUSE: Shut up.

KIKI: What about his fingers? They’re dirty.

GRAHAM: He’s been playing in the dirt!

HOUSE: Graham - Australian for dumbass.

KIKI: I got it! Maybe a worm crawled under his fingernail and got into his brain.

HOUSE: Hm…

The others are silent as House paces, considering the possibility.

HOUSE: That would explain why he smells. And the green face?

ROD: Witches have green faces.

GRAHAM: He could have tongue-kissed a witch.

HOUSE: You're right. That's possible.

LUTCH: I didn't!

HOUSE: Lutch, we can't save you if you're not completely honest with us. When did you tongue-kiss a witch? All the medical signs are there.

LUTCH: But...

GRAHAM: (snickering) Maybe his mom kissed him before school.

HOUSE: Moms can’t give you cooties, you idiot.

GRAHAM: But it’s Ronnie Lutch’s mom.

HOUSE: Nope. Their cootie genes match. Unless...

House stares up at the sky, through the leaves of a maple tree.

HOUSE: When the worm crawled into his finger, it mutated the cootie strain in his bloodstream. He's carrying two forms of cooties. The hole in his finger hurt his hand so he kissed it. He gave cooties to himself.

ROD: Really?

HOUSE: That’s it. That’s the answer.

KIKI: You’re so smart.

GRAHAM: What’s the cure?

HOUSE: Indian burns.

Rod and Graham immediately pounce on Ronnie, punching him in the gut and giving him Indian burns on both arms.

LUTCH: OW! Cut it out! Stop it! Ow! I’m telling!

HOUSE: C’mon boys, he’s almost cured…

House crosses his arms and nods approvingly. Kiki beams proudly at House. The recess bell rings.

2005-10-07T09:54:00.000-07:00

Carnivale!

Last Thing I Said To My Cop Movie Partner In My Dream Before The Alarm Woke Me Up This Morning

2005-10-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

“I forget who the bad guy is. Elliot Gould?”

2005-10-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

I am made of orange wax.

100 Inanimate Objects

2005-10-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

I used to draw all the time. As a kid, I was the one sitting on the edge of the playground with a sketchbook. When I finally ventured out on the playground, I broke my leg. Body cast. True story. Anyway, back then, when I was asked what I wanted to do when I grow up, I said I was going to be a Disney animator.

I'm kind of glad that didn't happen. But I do regret letting my artistic skills slide. By college I was focused on words instead of pictures. Images I captured with a lens. Well, I'm back to drawing again. Lamenting that I feel terribly out of my league, when I look at the artists I admire - my favorite is the style of indie comic book illustrators Daniel Clowes and Adrian Tomine - my friend Dom suggested I draw 100 household objects in 100 days. By the end, he said, you'll have to improve at least somewhat.

So this is the beginning of my '100 objects' series. I'll even do my best to draw one picture a day, barring trips, schedule permitting, etc. Hope you enjoy my experiment in self-betterment. Collect them all and win a free house!*

* (House not included)

Dinosaurs Had Feathers

2005-10-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

This is the most important discovery of our time. It completely rewrites my childhood. All those murals in all those cafeterias in all those natural history museums... It boggles.

Of course, if you believe that people lived with dinosaurs, 5,000 years ago, and the dinosaurs were killed off by angels, during Noah's flood, then adding feathers means nothing to you because you'd pretty much believe just about anything anyway. It seems the country has shifted towards the inane, or we're getting really retro, because right now there's a court case in Dover, PA, where intelligent human beings have to listen carefully and take these loons seriously, in order to decide if they get to teach their loonery to schoolchildren.

Evidence of evolution is all around us. Rattlesnakes are evolving without their rattles, because we hear them and kill them to protect ourselves. You gotta love that irony. Just as elephants are evolving without their tusks, and bacteria is evolving thanks to anti-bacterial soap. Even humans are being born today with the ability to insert hyperlinks into speech ("I told my mom we were playing scrabble...")

While I don't believe in intelligent design, I do think there is some argument for the theory of stupid design - basically, the notion that the world was designed by a Creator who is a Complete Imbecile.

Some evidence to consider:

1. Knees - the weakest part of human body. And we walk on them. If you do any amount of physical exertion in your youth, you're bound to end up with bad knees by the time you hit thirty. Nice work, Buddy.

2. Septums - why are they always deviated? What's up with the septum? I had surgery on my septum when I was twenty. They packed about three pounds of cotton in my nose. Not fun.

3. Cockroaches - the only creatures who could survive a nuclear holocaust. And they're useless. Good thing the Cold War wasn't between Americans and cockroaches.

4. We have to sleep approximately one third of our life - This one really pisses me off. Talk about a waste of time. We can't even save it up and hibernate for a week of the month or something, we have to space it out in 8-hour intervals. I think it's because we pray before bedtime. He needs that daily ego fluff.

5. Man has no natural predator - There's a big flaw in the grand scheme of things. Look at how human beings have evolved as a result of this little tidbit. Step outside your house and go next door and peek in the window at your grumpy middle-aged pot-bellied neighbor whose always arguing with his wife, sitting there drinking a tall boy and watching "Fear Factor". Now, compare him to a gazelle.

6. 70% of the planet is water, but we can't drink it.

7. We can't fly - well, why not? We're humans, we're made in God's image, right? I mean, HE can fly, right? If I could fly, I'd totally be rich by now. And president of something.

8. Wisdom teeth - Do not make you wise. They should be called "Annoyingly extraneous that you and everyone you know will have surgery to remove teeth." They should be called, "Your first experience with vicodin teeth."

9. After centuries of evolution, dogs still see their own tail and think it's another dog - I mean, isn't that what instinct is for? To clue you in to little habits like that, so you don't run around in circles chasing your butt for hours?

Consider this evidence and if you feel like it, make up some placards and picket your local school. Or get on the school board so you can ban some books. Everybody's doing it. That's the Freedom our boys are dying to protect.